When Someone Hurts You… and Then Decides You’re the Problem

There’s a weird psychological magic trick some people pull off — they hurt you, and somehow walk away angry at you for it. It’s like they borrowed your car, crashed it into a tree, and then complained your bumper was “too sensitive.”

I’ve seen this up close. In comedy, business, and life. Actually, recently I’ve even tried to work again with a couple of people who already screwed me once — thinking maybe we could start fresh.

The irony is, I actually understand why they’re acting this way. It’s psychology — not mystery. And understanding it helps me not take it personally. But… let’s be honest. Now that the dust has settled and the truth is clear, maybe it’s time for some people to just say the word we’re all waiting for: “Sorry.”

Someone screws up. Maybe they betray trust or act shady. For one tiny second, they feel it — that flicker of guilt that says, “I shouldn’t have done that.” But guilt is uncomfortable. Guilt leads to reflection. And reflection means accountability.

So instead, they swerve straight into denial. Because some people would rather fake a Netflix special than face themselves.

Here comes The Rewrite. Suddenly you were the problem all along. You were “too emotional,” “too negative,” or “too hard to work with.”

They start telling the story differently, to you, to others — even to themselves. And the brain buys it, because it’s easier to rewrite the past than face the guilt.

I’ve seen people do this after walking away from projects, friendships, even opportunities I helped create for them. In their version, I wasn’t trying to help — I was “controlling.” They don’t realize that the only thing I’ve ever tried to control is my urge to point out hypocrisy in real time.

Now we’ve entered the You-Made-Me-Do-It Zone. They can’t handle their own actions, so they throw them at you like a frisbee made of excuses.

I’ve had this happen with people I gave second chances to. They make bad choices, then act like I’m the reason they made them. It’s the emotional equivalent of tripping over your own feet and blaming gravity for being “toxic.”

But again — I get it. This is projection. It’s what people do when their guilt feels too big to hold. They have to believe their actions were justified, or they’d have to admit they hurt someone who didn’t deserve it.

Once they’ve rewritten the story, they double down. Now they can’t stand you — not because you did anything new, but because your existence exposes their lie.

You become the villain, the threat, the “toxic” one. They avoid you, whisper to others, or drop those classic fake zen lines like “I’ve moved on.” (Translation: “I’m still trying to convince myself I did nothing wrong.”)

And you know what? I even understand that part too. If I had to face the reality of how badly I treated someone who once helped me — I’d probably want to avoid me too.

At this stage, they’ve rewritten the movie completely. You’re no longer someone they wronged — you’re the unstable villain keeping them from their success story.

It’s delusional, but it’s also survival. Their ego depends on this new script. They have to believe it or the guilt would eat them alive.

Meanwhile, I’ve been saying, “Look, I’m not perfect either. I’ve owned my mistakes. I’ve said sorry when I was wrong.” That’s not weakness — that’s maturity. And it’s exactly why I’ve given people chances they probably didn’t deserve.

But you can’t fix things with someone who’s still pretending they didn’t break them. And that’s the part that never changes — no matter how understanding you are.

I actually find peace in knowing why this happens. It’s not evil — it’s

People hate feeling shame. They’ll do anything to not look at themselves honestly. You become the human embodiment of that shame — and they can’t stand it.

It’s not that they hate you. They hate being reminded of what they did while you’re still standing, still smiling, still telling jokes, still moving forward.

You’re the mirror they can’t look into anymore.

So yes — I get it. I understand why people twist things. It helps me not take it personally anymore.

But at the same time… come on. We’re grown adults. You see what really happened. You know the truth. So after all the mess, the gossip, the hurt — maybe it’s time to stop pretending and just say it out loud: “I’m sorry.”

It won’t kill you. It might even make you human again.

When someone hurts you and then flips the story, remember — it’s not about hate, it’s about avoidance. They’re just doing emotional gymnastics to protect their ego.

And me?I’ve stopped chasing apologies, but I haven’t stopped recognizing who owes one. I understand the psychology, I forgive the person, but I still expect the adult. Because in the end, growth isn’t about avoiding shame — it’s about owning it.

And if accountability gives you hives, maybe comedy’s not your biggest problem.

— FunwithLex